Angry, tired, futility

All is futility, said the Preacher (Solomon, Ecclesiastes 12:8). Took me most of an hour to be able to get from bed to kitchen this morning, accursed CFS/ME (and/or just an old Bentley reaching the end of its operating period...can only force an old car to run on nitro so long, recall driving an old VW back from the river to El Paso in 1971 or so with a blown rod, pedal to the metal and just 25 mph shuddering the whole way...now I know what the car was feeling). 

Really angry everytime I hear another report on what that son of a bitch Vladimir (Putin) is doing to Ukraine. It is really despicable of us to stand by and not put military in place there, stop him from using a modern air force against the helpless civilian population, which he certainly will do (as he did in Syria). I really don't give a damn whether he would respond with a full scale war, but that may be because I have less to lose at this late date. [Removed more inflammatory comments about Vladimir after watched 60 Minutes show implying that Russians have been harming Americans with mobile high-power microwave beam devices, aka Havana Syndrome 2022 Feb National Intel Report "Anomalous Health Incidents"--though not sure the symptoms could be differentiated from my usual palette of afflictions].

Then I consider that every attempt we make to better the world blows up in our faces...recall one of the Nag Hammadi Gnostic texts discussing a perverse god who actually controls things on Earth...or Balzac's Passion in the Desert  Passion in the Desert - Balzac"the desert is God without Man," i.e., maybe all my illusions/delusions about higher good are completely alien to the actual intent of the Ruler of the World...a creeping crawling spiny hungry creation that devours and is devoured, rather than beings a little lower than the angels, but somehow above the beasts (A Little Lower Than the Angels). 

Like Klaatu in the original 1951 Day the Earth Stood Still 1951 Day the Earth Stood Still, I am reanimated for a brief time, but limited. The 2008 remake of the movie (with Keanu Reeves) was retarded (why haven't the PC crowd demanded a Nobel Prize for the intellectually challenged yet?) in most respects--"we only advance at a precipice?" Really? 99% of the species that ever lived on Earth in the last few billion years died---they fell off their individual precipices, the points in the evolution of every species where they faced challenges that required creative evolution (not in the sense of Bergson--see Santayana's amusing dismissal of Bergson a century ago Philosophy of M. Henri Bergson (in Winds of Doctrine), though I see in Santayana all that has gone terribly wrong in the remains of Western civilization...a box of happy rodents crawling over one another without higher intent...yeah, I know, just said that may be the true natural order of things). 

Broke my heart watching PBS video Documentary Year to Change World of Greta Thunberg sobbing occasionally involuntarily as she discussed the difference between people who felt deeply and those who were superficially going through life concerned only with wealth, power etc. The line from Ian Anderson's song Reason for Waiting Anderson performing Reasons For Waiting 1969, "could it stop a sunrise, seeing you weep?" (Anderson, a poet of considerable talent actually wrote "hearing you weep," using a parallelism in the lines of that stanza, seeing then hearing), instantly appeared in my mind. She had commented in an earlier segment, as a brief aside while travelling in a train I believe, that she was an Asperger's. Memories of my late wife, Cheri (think there is still a brief video of me singing a semi-comedic version of Cash's I Still Miss Someone for her at home in 2012 Dalton and Cheri at home 2012), flooded my memory. 

Cheri had Asperger's Asperger Syndrome, though no one was aware of it (heard one of her colleagues at work remark that it was difficult to fathom Cheri at times). She had surgery to correct scoliosis as a young teenager (in one of many odd coincidences between us, we had both been in the same Army hospital as young teens, though did not meet until in our twenties) and had a large café au lait formation, maybe 2 - 3 cm long axis on her back, so I assume she had a mild NF (neurofibromatosis neurofibromatosis fact sheet NIH), which associates with Asperger's. Cheri was Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging, INTJ in the Jung-Myers-Briggs typology Myers-Briggs typology (no, that is not pop psychology; it is used in some of the top government institutions), which really describes Asperger's in large part:

Feeling has a modest inner room, two doors down from the Most Imminent iNtuition. It doesn't get out much, but lends its influence on behalf of causes which are Good and Worthy and Humane.

It was similarly moving, the evidence of a pure, caring soul, normally protected or otherwise unavailable to observation in Greta. After seeing her in the documentary, I felt somewhat guilty for believing that humanity will not survive the present rolling catastrophe about which I rail frequently in view of Greta's hope against hope, she having no illusions, despite her teenage years, that we will find a way, at least that the young will find a way. Well, if God is the God of my youth in the Baptist church, with Him all things are possible (Matthew, verse 19:26)...but if there is only the vicious demiurge of the gnostics (see for example On Origin of World - Nag Hammadi papers), who will help us?